THE REEL REALS: Chester Conklin

Chester Conklin

Chester Conklin did not attain the lasting marketability of many of his contemporaries, but he is no less a comic legend. Creating for himself a recognizable character with a large, bushy, "walrus" mustache and round spectacles, he definitely stood out from the pack as movies began to hit their stride at the turn of the century. Everyone had a schtick in those days: Fatty had his weight, Keaton had his stone face and pork pie hat, Chaplin had his tramp suit and mini 'stache. Later, Groucho Marx would adapt and lampoon this token comic commodity by giving himself a grease mustache. Yet, a comedian needs more to recommend him than his makeup and wardrobe, and it was Chester's innate instinct for comic timing, absurd improvisation, and lovable mugging that helped him edge his way to the front of the gag pack. 

After leaving his home state of Iowa, where he had only a bleak future in the church to look forward to, Chester started traveling on the vaudeville circuit, learning the ropes, and improving upon them. The character he developed-- the one audiences would become most familiar with-- was in fact based upon a former boss. A baker. By exaggerating the crazed nuances of this man's personality, Chester was able to build a bumbling, pompous, and forever foiled buffoon. His wide eyes, forever shocked at the chaotic world around him, and his contorted and often curmudgeonly faces were at once reassuring and cathartic to audiences-- who shared his befuddled assessments that modern life was ridiculous. 

Chester had no shame in making himself the butt of the joke. His films were never as much about unlikely heroism-- like Keaton-- or the triumph of social consciousness-- like Chaplin. He was purely about side-splitting pranks. This is perhaps why he would later lose some of his leading man stature to become the just as important, reliable, supporting gaff guy in other pictures. He was more of a contributory piece of the puzzle than the maestro putting it all together. Nonetheless, his enjoyable performances remain timeless.

While many know him only as the unfortunate co-worker whom the Tramp accidentally sucks into the mad machine of Modern Times, Chester was better known at his zenith as a partner in crime with fellow performer Mack Swain. He also has the prestige of being one of Mack Sennett's infamous "Keystone Cops" and performing alongside Mabel Normand in many of her own comic capers. He additionally bandied up onscreen with surly funnyman W.C. Fields, appeared in Erich von Stroheim's Greed (though his scenes were some of the many eventually cut), and kept himself busy in the talkies thanks to Preston Sturges, who cast him in many of his features. 

However, times were tough for an old hat comedian as the motion picture industry grew, and Chester soon found himself edged out of the game. Yet, in looking back at the early world of cinematic comedy, he seems to be everywhere. He may not have been the biggest name but he always pops up, often unexpectedly. This makes him, I suppose, an alternative to the old adage, "Wherever you go, there you are." With Chester, it's "Wherever you look, there he is!" As such, he is an important piece of the funny fabric of moviedom, where audiences can still rest assured that whenever he's around, it won't be dull.

NOW, THAT'S FUNNY: Animal Edition

Gloria Grahame and an elephant friend in The Greatest Show on Earth.

Cecil B. DeMille was a great animal lover. With a deep appreciation for mother nature and all of its inhabitants, it is no wonder that he filled so many of his films with a hodgepodge of creatures. Whether feeding the deer at his beloved "Paradise" or marveling at the beauty and surprising elegance of the elephants in The Sign of the Cross and The Greatest Show on Earth, CB was always in touch with his "wild" side. However, not everyone had the great adoration for animals that Cecil did, which has inspired the following humorous human vs. animal tales:

Male and Female was all about nature: human nature at is most animalistic and survivalistic, (with a little sex, of course). For this reason, when it came time to shoot his lavish fantasy sequence with Thomas Meighan (right) and Gloria Swanson, DeMille was determined to make things as natural and authentic as possible. One scene required the imagined King (Thomas) to subjugate the femme fatale (Gloria). To accentuate this act, DeMille wanted to use a large cat to imply Tom's great and brutal machismo, i.e: He wanted a live leopard slung over Tom's shoulder. (Pause for Tom's gulp). Meighan was not exactly ecstatic about this idea, especially as he watched the animal handlers unsuccessfully trying to knock the cat out with chloroform in order to make such a stunt possible. After witnessing the enormous cat hiss and growl for some time, the pacing inside its cage suddenly stopped. (Did I mention that the animal had been scheduled for extermination because it had already killed a man? CB chose to let it live and sick it on his actor instead). Shaking, with beads of sweat running down his temples, Tom obligingly slung the cat over his shoulder and went through his scene. However, before he was through with his actions, he felt the leopard stirring. Certain that he was about to be maimed, it took every ounce of control for him to get through the next few seconds without dropping the leopard and high-tailing it out of there! However, he pulled through. When he communicated his fears to DeMille he received little sympathy. In his own macho way, DeMille surely responded with something akin to, "What's the big deal? Are you a man or a mouse?!"

Gloria and a dangerous prop: the jury is still out on who is 

truly the more dangerous...

Gloria Swanson was also on the receiving end of CB's outlandish animal requests. For her part in the film, she was to enter the lion's den. Literally. Cecil was intent on getting a shot of her lying on the ground with a lion's paw on her back. Gloria's eyes bulged but she was a tough cookie, plus CB indulged in a little bribery to get her to cooperate. Thus, Gloria found herself on her stomach with nothing separating her from the dangerous beast but a piece of canvas. When the lion roared, she would later recall feeling its vibrations through every inch of her body. Yet, she remained cool as a cucumber and believably dead. After the quick shot, Gloria arose with dignity and suddenly found herself in tears, the stress of the situation finally coming to the surface. CB was proud of his "young fellow," finding her more manly than her male co-star, Thomas. He kidded her with a, "Thank goodness. At last a woman!" To repay her, he offered her a choice from his famous bag of gems: Gloria proudly selected a gold evening bag with an emerald clasp. Her pain had been worth every penny.

Claudette Colbert (left) was another favorite leading lady of DeMille's, even if he found her to be overly diva-ish at times. At the end of the day, she got the job done and took direction well. CB hoped to use her good qualities to overcome the bad  when it came time to shoot her death scene in Cleopatra. The old legend had it, of course, that the Egyptian Queen died by holding an asp to her breast, letting its fangs infect her with venom. Sultry and sexy, Claudette was; reptile friendly, she was not. For this reason, CB knew he would have to concoct some sort of plan to get her to actually hold the snake in her hands. So, he brought in the largest king snake that he could find. When Claudette saw it, she had the appropriate reaction. Panicking, she refused! "No, no! I won't do it!! Please, no!" With that, Cecil shrugged and pulled out a much tinier snake-- the one he had actually intended to use for the scene. Claudette's fear dissolved as she observed her slender partner: "Why, he's just a baby!" No longer afraid, and feeling a bit maternal toward the little guy, Claudette was ready for her close-up. Her performance went off with out a hitch, and once again, DeMille got his way.

Mabel Normand also had an encounter with a rather large feline when filming her big comedy hit The Extra Girl (right). One of the most hilarious sequences of the film is when Mabel's wannabe movie starlet is stalked behind the scenes by an escaped Lion. On camera, her facial expressions and prat falls in avoiding the large beast are hilarious... Behind the scenes, things weren't quite as funny. Certainly, Mabel was a little apprehensive about leading the large lion around on a leash-- a gag used to get laughs, due to the fact that Mabel's character thought she was walking a dog. Being a what-the-hell kind of gal, Mabel went for it anyway. She was assured that her safety was being looked after by director F. Richard Jones, whose feeble attempt at protection was having a pitchfork at the ready. Unfortunately, at one point, Jones accidentally tripped and scared the lion, who sprang into the air. Mabel, stunned, fell flat to the ground, only to find the pitchfork in her own rear end! The lion, on the other hand, was unharmed.

One of the most popular animals in movie history, aside from dogs and horses, is perhaps the monkey. Many celebs have had a little face time with a chimp-- such as Lon Chaney in West of Zanzibar or Cary Grant in, of course, Monkey Business. As always, it's not all fun and games, as Kathryn Grayson (left) could attest. While shooting on Show Boat, the lovely soprano was surprised when a primate got a little primeval on her. One day, a marmoset monkey got a little antsy and, out of fear, started attacking everyone in sight. After it bit both its trainer and a prop man, Kathryn too had a piece taken out of her arm! Her squeal probably surpassed any high notes she had previously sung. Co-star Ava Gardner got the worst of it when the monkey scratched her breast in the middle of a publicity photo. So much for looking sexy!

Veronica Lake too had an ill-fated meeting with a monkey. While working on Sullivan's Travels (w/ Joel McCrea, right), her set was next-door to a Dorothy Lamour picture, which was currently employing a monkey named "Jiggs." Adorned in her tramp wardrobe, Veronica sat relaxing in between scenes when she felt something grab her hand. Jiggs had appeared out of nowhere and nonchalantly proceeded to put Ronni's hand in his mouth and bite-- not hard, but hard enough! Veronica froze, uncertain what to do and afraid of angering the precocious  creature. Preston Sturges saw the happenings, and after getting a good kick out of her plight, found the monkey's trainer who relieved the pregnant Veronica from her unease. The trainer assured her that, despite her discomfort, Jiggs had simply been showing her that he liked her. This was supposedly a miracle, since Jiggs didn't take to women-- a fact that the constantly scratched and bitten Dorothy Lamour could easily attest to. 

Carl Switzer (left) would often come into contact with animals during the filming of the Our Gang series. Take accident-prone children and throw in some quadrupeds and you've got yourself a pretty good shot at comedy. However, there was a mammalian charade that did not end humorously. One production had it scripted that little Carl was to be bitten by a bear. The actual animal was brought in, but Carl refused to even get close to it. The director asked him to inch his face in to the bear's mouth, but Carl simply shook his head in nervous protest. The trainer then stepped in to offer his help. Assuring Carl that the animal was harmless and actually quite gentle, he demonstrated the director's instructions by moving his face toward the bear's mouth. Now, this ISN'T funny. The bear suddenly made an out of character move and sank his jaws onto his trainer's face, biting his cheek right off. I guess sometimes kids are smarter than adults...

Bruce Willis finally meets his match.

To end, there is a contemporary story worth chuckling over. Tony Scott was excited to be working with the famous and charismatic action hero Bruce Willis on his 1991 film The Last Boy Scout. However, after a great start, he was a little perturbed when Bruce arrived to work several hours late their second day of shooting. When Tony pressed him for a reason, Bruce comically had to relay an embarrassing story. It turned out that the cleaning crew had left his trailer door open the night before and a cat got in. Curious as cats tend to be, this one located Bruce's cherished hair piece hanging on the wall and got a little... frisky. Thus, Bruce explained, he was late because the cat had been humping his hairpiece. After all, a leading man needs his hair. Me-ow.

STAR OF THE MONTH: Veronica Lake

 Peek-a-boo!

Veronica Lake could be the epitome of "Hollywood": its beauties and its repercussions. Possessing one of the most photogenic faces ever captured on film, Veronica was ironically catapulted to stardom because half of her gorgeous visage was hidden behind a curtain of luscious golden hair. One eye, her left, was forever peeking out at viewers as they sat entranced, gazing back at her in worship. Several times over voted the #1 box office star, everyone's favorite actress, and Paramount's biggest moneymaker, Ronni seemed to have it all. Her diminutive but curvaceous body made her a popular pin-up during wartime, and her vulnerable yet cocky demeanor inspired women everywhere, who copied her hairstyle as well as her sensual bravado. Teamed successfully with Alan Ladd four times over in classics such as This Gun for Hire and The Blue Dahlia, Ronni also cut her teeth in comedy, making huge successes out of Preston Sturges's Sullivan's Travels and Rene Clair's I Married a Witch. During the early '40s, she reigned supreme as one of cinema's favorite sex-kittens. Then, inexplicably, she disappeared.

 Veronica and Alan Ladd in their first teaming,

This Gun for Hire.

Veronica Lake is often recalled as being temperamental or haughty. Even easy-going leading man Joel McCrea refused to work with her after Sullivan's Travels in I Married a Witch, stating "Life's too short for two films with Veronica Lake." Joel would change his mind and work with Ronni again in Ramrod, but Fredric March, ironically Joel's replacement in I Married a Witch, too refused to ever work with her again after their infamous behind the scenes battles. She is recalled as a drunk, a party animal, a promiscuous tramp, and a bad mother. When she died in near anonymity at the age of fifty, a forgotten shell of the woman she used to be, people chose to believe this slanderous portrait of a once great star. But with Veronica, there was much more going on than meets "the eye."

 Veronica enjoyed hiding her trademark hair in

Sullivan's Travels, here alongside Joel McCrea.

What few know is that Veronica was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic when she was a child. For years, she battled inner demons, delusions, and negative thoughts that sought to destroy her. Added to this biological nightmare was her tumultuous relationship with her mother, Constance, who tried to create-- in the grand tradition of stage mothers run amok-- a daughter who could live out her own dreams and desires for her. Overwhelmed by her mother's pressures, Veronica built up a thick skin, not only to hold herself together against Constance's persistent attacks, but also to keep the outside world from knowing about her disease. She remained distant, quiet, self-contained, and ever cool. Onscreen, this mystery would become a part of her allure, but off-screen, people would misinterpret this as aloofness. It was really armor. When her behavior, which she fought so diligently to control did get out of hand, or her idiosyncrasies got the better of her, co-stars and crew members would interpret her actions as that of a selfish diva, never comprehending the battle waging underneath. 

 Despite her alleged diva demeanor, it was Paulette Goddard and 

Claudette Colbert who had the cat-fights during 

So Proudly We Hail.

Veronica's fragile mental state did indeed affect her personal and professional relationships. She floundered through four unsuccessful marriages, had three children from whom in later life she remained estranged, and when the movies had sucked all the life out of her, she disappeared into obscurity in New York, Florida, and later England. At various times, when unable to find suitable employment, Ronni worked as a cocktail waitress or more infamously in a factory gluing flowers onto lingerie hangers. But this was not the real Veronica. This was the result of a lifelong battle with mental illness. Ronni was a fighter. And despite all of the bad luck that seemed to consistently come her way, she never drowned in self-pity nor painted herself as a victim. She didn't apologize for her later life or her inability to live up to everyone's standards. After all, she had done one hell of a job holding it all together up until the end, and as far as she was concerned, everyone could just shove it! She had paid her dues and was done apologizing. The world could consider her a failure if they wanted, but she never would.

 Veronica in her older years, clearly aged, but the hints

of her former beauty remain.

Veronica Lake, originally Constance Ockleman, was and is a fascinating creature. More generous than most expect, more talented than given credit for, and stronger than most could hope to be, she fought a good fight up until the end. The sad truth is that no world is as glamorous and perfect as Hollywood paints it to be. Veronica Lake stands as the personification of this reality. She left Hollywood, as she herself would say, to save her life, and left behind a legacy of film and performance that lives on in untouchable flawlessness. Her outside life was indeed flawed, but she herself was not flawed in embracing it and doing the best she could. The true Ronni is the one who pushed her way through any obstacles that tried to keep her down, who resisted the misogynistic system of the Hollywood patriarchy in a way that would make Gloria Steinem damn proud, who dreamed of a simple life in a safe home that she could call her own and mostly a love that would protect her from the enemies who kept clawing at her. Beneath the tragedy, there lives the funny, smart-ass, good-natured girl who could both hypnotize you and knock you on your ass in one breath. That was Veronica Lake.

Showing off her mischievous side...

As the Christmas season approaches, it is wise to recall that good things come in small packages. Ronni, at 5'1" represents this fact well. Her contribution to celluloid history is gift enough for the salivating movie lover, and it is her mysterious allure that keeps her legendary face popping up in our  modern culture-- from Jessica Rabbit to L.A. Confidential. Say what you will about Ronni, she gave good face, even if only half of it. The other half, with the rest of her secrets, she kept hidden and took with her to the grave. Her true identity, one that was fractured and dangerous, was too the one thing in her life that was not manufactured; that was her own. She rightfully chose to keep it for herself, and so we are left forever wondering and forever missing her.